Grizzlie Antagonist
March 25th 06, 06:41 PM
Jim Dandy wrote:
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
> by a guy
> who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
> a little
> something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be
> short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
> her adequate
> time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two triple-a
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
>
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
> AND pressed
> it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
> Unfortunately,
> I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
> face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't
> be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
> needed to
> try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
> give this
> thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance
> that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> taser in
> another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
> make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
> longer than
> three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less
> than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
> itsy,
> bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best.....
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as
> to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
> such a tiny
> little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself
> a
> one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
> naked
> thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
> @#$%^&*&$#
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the
> recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
> over again.
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in my
> eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found,
> with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
> tingling in my
> legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
> heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
> again, do it
> again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You
> will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
> a violent
> thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered
> conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
> sure, as
> time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
> little I had
> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
> on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
> right thigh
> and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
> shot up
> with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
> my
> testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
>
> Still in shock,
> Tommy
Your testicles disappeared when you decided to give your wife a means
to defend herself. Women should be subservient.
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
> by a guy
> who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
> a little
> something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be
> short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
> her adequate
> time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two triple-a
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
>
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
> AND pressed
> it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
> Unfortunately,
> I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
> face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't
> be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
> needed to
> try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
> give this
> thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance
> that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> taser in
> another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
> make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
> longer than
> three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less
> than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
> itsy,
> bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best.....
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as
> to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
> such a tiny
> little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself
> a
> one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
> naked
> thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
> @#$%^&*&$#
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the
> recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
> over again.
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in my
> eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found,
> with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
> tingling in my
> legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
> heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
> again, do it
> again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You
> will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
> a violent
> thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered
> conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
> sure, as
> time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
> little I had
> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
> on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
> right thigh
> and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
> shot up
> with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
> my
> testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
>
> Still in shock,
> Tommy
Your testicles disappeared when you decided to give your wife a means
to defend herself. Women should be subservient.