I hate it when that happens
On Sat, 25 Mar 2006 10:31:20 -0700, Jim Dandy
wrote:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
by a guy
who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be
short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate
time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately,
I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself
a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
@#$%^&*&$#
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my
legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it
again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent
thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered
conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
my
testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
An absolutely classic post... LOL.
|