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![]() saw this on another group. ABBOTT & COSTELLO in "Buying Which computer?" Abbot & Costello at the computer store... Remember "Who's on First"? ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOTT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?" ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!" ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOTT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOTT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money. ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything. COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind. ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? -- http://www.kencofish.com Ken Arnold, 401-781-9642 cell 401-225-0556 Importer/Exporter of Goldfish,Koi,rare Predators Shipping to legal states/countries only! Permalon liners, Oase & Supreme Pondmaster pumps Please Note: No trees or animals were harmed in the sending of this contaminant free message We do concede that a signicant number of electrons may have been inconvenienced ![]() |
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ROFLMAO!!
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That's almost too close to home to be funny GBG!
Lee "KenCo" wrote in message ... saw this on another group. ABBOTT & COSTELLO in "Buying Which computer?" Abbot & Costello at the computer store... Remember "Who's on First"? |
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Thanks, Ken, everyone loved this one!
I just wish I could find on the Internet the one that ends "Put your computer back in the box, because you are too stupid to own a computer" and/or the "Oh.... you mean to tell me [hours later] that your computer is not working because the power is off in your office." And, then of course there is the classic memo about "cleaning mouse balls"! (If only I had saved those gems over the years -- I bet I could sell them on ebay.) Anne Lurie Raleigh, NC "KenCo" wrote in message ... saw this on another group. ABBOTT & COSTELLO in "Buying Which computer?" Abbot & Costello at the computer store... Remember "Who's on First"? ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOTT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?" ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!" ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOTT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOTT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money. ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything. COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind. ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? -- http://www.kencofish.com Ken Arnold, 401-781-9642 cell 401-225-0556 Importer/Exporter of Goldfish,Koi,rare Predators Shipping to legal states/countries only! Permalon liners, Oase & Supreme Pondmaster pumps Please Note: No trees or animals were harmed in the sending of this contaminant free message We do concede that a signicant number of electrons may have been inconvenienced ![]() |
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i read it on a website once and i can't remember which one now. have you
trieds google? mad -- Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than the things you acquire. From: "Anne Lurie" Organization: Road Runner - NC Newsgroups: rec.ponds Date: Sun, 28 Sep 2003 01:43:03 GMT Subject: OT Joke Thanks, Ken, everyone loved this one! I just wish I could find on the Internet the one that ends "Put your computer back in the box, because you are too stupid to own a computer" and/or the "Oh.... you mean to tell me [hours later] that your computer is not working because the power is off in your office." And, then of course there is the classic memo about "cleaning mouse balls"! (If only I had saved those gems over the years -- I bet I could sell them on ebay.) Anne Lurie Raleigh, NC "KenCo" wrote in message ... saw this on another group. ABBOTT & COSTELLO in "Buying Which computer?" Abbot & Costello at the computer store... Remember "Who's on First"? ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOTT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?" ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!" ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOTT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOTT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money. ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything. COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind. ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? -- http://www.kencofish.com Ken Arnold, 401-781-9642 cell 401-225-0556 Importer/Exporter of Goldfish,Koi,rare Predators Shipping to legal states/countries only! Permalon liners, Oase & Supreme Pondmaster pumps Please Note: No trees or animals were harmed in the sending of this contaminant free message We do concede that a signicant number of electrons may have been inconvenienced ![]() -----= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =----- http://www.newsfeeds.com - The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! -----== Over 100,000 Newsgroups - 19 Different Servers! =----- |
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Anne Lurie wrote:
Thanks, Ken, everyone loved this one! I just wish I could find on the Internet the one that ends "Put your computer back in the box, because you are too stupid to own a computer" and/or the "Oh.... you mean to tell me [hours later] that your computer is not working because the power is off in your office." Some jokes are too good not to save! My Problem is finding them after the save! Chagoi This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Below is the actual dialogue (Now I know why they record these conversations)! "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." And, then of course there is the classic memo about "cleaning mouse balls"! Mouse Balls This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest found it rather funny. Abstract: Mouse Balls available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the opo-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction; and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To reorder, specify on the following: P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Balls (If only I had saved those gems over the years -- I bet I could sell them on ebay.) |
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