mike lalonde

It all started when our overrated adventurer, michael lalonde, woke
up in a swamp. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling really
worried, michael lalonde groped a carrot, thinking it would make him
feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the
looming crises, he realized that his beloved diary was missing!
Immediately he called his bed-friend, mike lalonde. michael lalonde
had known mike lalonde for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority
of which were enchanting ones. mike lalonde was unique. He was
congenial though sometimes a little... annoying. michael lalonde
called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

mike lalonde picked up to a very nervous michael lalonde. mike
lalonde calmly assured him that most albino cats sigh before mating,
yet 3-legged wallabies usually exotically grimace *after* mating. He
had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting
michael lalonde. Why was mike lalonde trying to distract michael
lalonde? Because he had snuck out from michael lalonde's with the
diary only nine days prior. It was a sassy little diary... how could
he resist?

It didn't take long before michael lalonde got back to the subject
at hand: his diary. mike lalonde sighed. Relunctantly, mike lalonde
invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. michael lalonde
grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the
phone, mike lalonde realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a
place to hide the diary and he had to do it carefully. He figured that
if michael lalonde took the Jap Trap, he had take at least four
minutes before michael lalonde would get there. But if he took the
chevy impala? Then mike lalonde would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, mike lalonde was
interrupted by seven annoying Care Bears that were lured by his diary.
mike lalonde yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he
aggressively reached for his banana and fearlessly groped every last
one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the
discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest,
squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he
heard the chevy impala rolling up. It was michael lalonde.



As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an
unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he
knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, michael lalonde was
out of the chevy impala and went charismatically jaunting toward mike
lalonde's front door. Meanwhile inside, mike lalonde was panicking.
Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of gerbils and then slid
the box behind his canoe. mike lalonde was exasperated but at least
the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' mike lalonde indiscriminately purred. With a careful
push, michael lalonde opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I
was being chased by some dimwitted noble genius in a amphibious
vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' mike lalonde assured him. michael
lalonde took a seat hilariously close to where mike lalonde had hidden
the diary. mike lalonde sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his
nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But michael
lalonde was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, mike
lalonde noticed a abrasive look on michael lalonde's face. michael
lalonde slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

mike lalonde felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when michael
lalonde asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had
hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't
smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on michael
lalonde's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of
place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she
used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here
earlier'. michael lalonde nodded with fake acknowledgement...then,
before mike lalonde could react, michael lalonde thoughtfully lunged
toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

michael lalonde stared at mike lalonde for what what must've been
ten microseconds. As if it really mattered mike lalonde groped sassily
in michael lalonde's direction, clearly desperate. michael lalonde
grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. mike
lalonde let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so
protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, michael
lalonde,' he rebuked. mike lalonde always had been a little annoying,
so michael lalonde knew that reconciliation was not an option; he
needed to escape before mike lalonde did something crazy, like...
start chucking bananas at him or something. As if it really mattered
he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving
headlong through the glass panels.

mike lalonde looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed
excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from michael
lalonde. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days
ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for michael
lalonde. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. mike lalonde walked over to
the window and looked down. michael lalonde was gone.



Just yonder, michael lalonde was struggling to make his way through
the secret vineyard behind mike lalonde's place. michael lalonde had
severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was
starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly
appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on
to michael lalonde. Already weakened from his injury, michael lalonde
yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw
before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running
off with his diary.

About two hours later, michael lalonde awoke, his fingernail
throbbing. It was dark and michael lalonde did not know where he
was. Deep in the mysterious disease-infested jungle, michael lalonde
was very lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he
remembered that his diary was taken by the Care Bears. But at that
point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror,
a shrunken Care Bear emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the
alpha Care Bear. michael lalonde opened his mouth to scream but was
cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into michael lalonde's
prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from michael lalonde's
lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than eight miles away, mike lalonde was entombed by anguish
over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached
for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a careful thrust, he buried
it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black,
he thought about michael lalonde... wishing he had found the courage
to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All
that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other,
ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy
sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that
could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating
all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would
reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever
after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever
after, the end. :'(